When to sign a DNR

Yesterday Granny fell. Granny is my 85 year old grandmother. She has the beginnings of Alzheimer's disease, mild high blood pressure and stenosis of the neck. Relatively healthy for an 85 year old. She lives with my Aunt.

Part of Granny's personality is that she is very anxious. She has a strong belief in "Everything in its place". So while my Aunt maintains a beautiful home, my Granny thinks she needs to be constantly helping to clean up. A particular point of contention is the cats' litter boxes. Understand that one of Granny's anxieties is about the safety of the cats. She keeps them locked safely in her room, thus requiring that the litter boxes be in there. So, though my Aunt has told her a million times that she will clean the litter boxes, if Granny wakes before my Aunt, she will clean the litter boxes. That in and of itself is not the real problem. The real problem arises when Granny goes to take the litter out to the garbage. She opens her bedroom door, with bag in hand, failing to close the door behind her, thus allowing the cats to escape into the house. When Granny opens the door to the garage, the cats run out. Granny panics and runs out after them, without her cane, and in a panic. 

Yesterday morning my Aunt had a Dr. appointment at 9AM. My Aunt rarely leaves Granny alone, but it should have been a brief Dr. appointment and the dangerous cat litter routine had taken place. Unfortunately after my Aunt left the home, Granny claims that someone came and opened her door and the cats got out, into the house. No one else was in the home. She then opened the house door to the outside, I suppose to check and see if the cats had gotten outside. She walked out, down the stone steps and fell in the driveway. 

My Aunt returned home about 2 hours after leaving. Granny was in the driveway screaming for help, unable to walk or get up herself. She had broken her hip and cut her arm. We spent the day yesterday at the hospital. She'll have surgery today. The attending physician asked how we would want them to respond if she coded. We hadn't discussed it previously. Granny seems to have a decent quality of life still, but she does have some medical issues. I'm not sure if she has the ability to decide for herself what she would want. I only know that they can do a full code ( I think that's what the Dr called it) where all measures are to be taken and that's the default; or they can do a DNR (no measures to be taken if her heart stops). We went with the default, but it leaves me wondering this morning, if there's something in between. I guess that's a question we'll have to ask today. 

independence day

For the last 20+ years my primary goal has been to raise strong, bold and independent daughters. I am rapidly facing the reality of that goal, and realizing that while in their best interest, it certainly makes my life more challenging. 

I think when they were younger it made my job easier. They were the first to be able to buckle their own seat belts. They were never afraid to be home alone after school in middle school. They never feared alienating friends in high school, so I never worried about the peer pressure. Now the hard part.

At 17 my daughter Maddy will be embarking on her first solo trip to Europe. She will be visiting our foreign exchange daughter Natalie who just returned home. Maddy will have to go through customs in Amsterdam, and get her connecting flight to Hamburg all on her own. Her cell phone won't work there and she'll have no way to contact me or Natalie if she misses her flight. Ugh, this is the kind of thing that makes me lose sleep. She needs to return to school for her senior year this fall with a list of colleges to which she'd like to apply. She's looking at colleges through out the U.S. including Arkansas, North Carolina and much more. Michigan has many good schools, certainly Ohio is full of them, but she has no doubts regarding her ability to live that far away, so why do I. While I envy her fearlessness, it creates anxiety for me. 

At 20 my daughter Emily is preparing for a 6 month adventure in Botswana. She will travel alone to the University of Botswana to study. We recently went to the travel clinic to get the necessary shots. Talk about anxiety! Day time mosquitos have dengue something, night time mosquitos have malaria, mammals have rabies; yellow fever, typhoid, etc... She'll be the first woman to go from K-college and there are special concerns related to that. I know that this will be a wonderful experience for her and wish that I had been so brave at her age, heck wish that I was that brave at my age.

I guess this is a lesson on "you better watch what you wish for". 

Saying good-bye

Natalie has lived with my family since August of 2008, but today she will return to her family in Germany. She has spent the past week saying good-bye to all her new friends here. This long and painful process began last Saturday and her final good-bye will be today at the airport when she says good-bye to me.

I have really enjoyed having Natalie here. She's been a blessing to our family in so many ways. We have hosted many young people in our home. Natasha from Russia for a month the summer of 2001. Sarah from Germany for the 2001/2002 school year. Hannie from Ghana for the 2003/2004 school year. Svenja from Switzerland for the 2004/2005 school year. Gina from the USA from Oct 2005 - Dec 2006. Eszter from Hungary for August to December 2007. Throw in a few shorter term foster kids and you have the picture of the revolving door that is our home.

All these experiences have offered high points and low. Most have been good experiences overall, but some girls have left indelible marks on our lives. When I leave Natalie at the TSA security check point at the airport today, I will feel as if I am leaving a part of my family. While experience tells me that she will remain a part of my family, regardless of where she lives, I will miss her daily presence in my life.

Natalie has been a great friend to Maddy. Embracing Maddy's quirks and moods, ignoring her messiness in their shared bathroom, they have become sisters. Natalie has been a great sparring partner for David. When he tries to incite an argument, and the rest of his pretend we can't be bated, she's eager to engage him. For me Natalie is a reliable, steady presence. She's always eager to talk, open with her feelings and willing to help. 

 I can put her on an airplane today, but I won't remove her from my heart or my family. I trust that she will return. Her role in the family will be different, but no less important. Today I will focus on how her parents, who haven't seen her for 10 months are feeling. I will celebrate for the people who have so graciously shared their daughter with my family.

Getting peed on

While I have two daughters and they are the pride and joy of my life, I also have two dogs and they are the humor in my life. Riley is a 90 pound Wiemaraner. He is a beautiful shade of grey, with haunting light blue eyes. He is rather obtuse, oblivious to the existence of any other creatures in the house, including humans. Reggie is a 5 pound toy rat terrier. Reggie is a tiny chocolate colored dog with large stand-up ears. He is often mistaken for a chihuahua, but his legs are longer and his body leaner than any chihuahua I've seen.  I maintain his face looks as much like a bat as it does a dog. 

You can imagine the attention they attract when we walk them together. Few people can pass without commenting on them. A recent problem has developed as these two young males have decided they want to leave their mark on every tree, shrub and rock that we pass on walks. When Riley decides he has sniffed out the perfect place to lift his leg, Reggie thinks he had better race him in to mark the spot first. This most often results in Reggie getting peed on, unless the human walking them prevents it.

On a recent summer evening my 20 year old daughter, Emily was walking the dog and Reggie was indeed marked by Riley. When she returned from the walk, she decided to give both dogs a bath. Neither dog is particularly fond of baths, but are quite fond of treats. You can usually get them to come to you and cease whatever they are doing,  by simply shouting "Who wants a treat?" So, Emily grabbed a couple treats and went to the bathroom and shouted "Who wants a treat?" Both dogs came running. Emily grabbed up Reggie and attempted to close the door behind Riley. But Riley recognized what was happening and without even taking his treat ran out the door and to his crate. 

In our house, the dogs' crates are their homes. It's a safe haven, and Riley at almost 2 years old, has learned this lesson well. The door to his crate was closed, so he barked and stared, barked and stared until I came and opened the door for him. There he sat, in his crate for the entire time that Reggie got his bath. 

When Reggie gets out of the bath he runs madly through the house in fits and starts, madly throwing himself against all surfaces to dry off: carpets, furniture, legs, even toys. When Reggie's drying tour led him into the room where Riley sat safely in his crate, Riley realized that his sibling rivalry was stronger than his aversion to baths. Indeed, he did not want Reggie to have anything he didn't have. He pushed ope the door to his crate, walked into the bathroom, climbed into the tub and barked until my daughter came in and gave him a bath. At least I got two clean dogs out of the deal.

It's easier to give than to receive

I was always told as a child that it's better to give than to receive. I guess I bought into that because I've been known to give to the point of resentment - mine, not the receivers. Anyway, today at staff meeting we talked about learning how to become a receiver.  I know my parents taught me it was better to give than to receive, but they failed to recognize the danger inherent in the fact that being a giver inflates my sense of power.

We talked about the text in the Bible when Jesus washes the feet of the disciples. John 13:3-8 "Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going to God, got up from the table, took off his outer robe, and tied a towel around himself. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples feet and to wipe them with the towel that was tied around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, 'You will never wash my feet.' Jesus answered, 'unless I wash you, you have no share with me.'

I have been in services of foot washing and can completely relate to Simon Peter's reaction. I am entirely comfortable washing someone else's feet, regardless of how dirty the feet, how well I know the person, or any other circumstance. But I am extremely uncomfortable when someone kneels before me prepared to serve. The better I know that person, the more uncomfortable I am. while thinking about this today, it became apparent to me that it was because I don't like to admit a need. I don't like to be vulnerable. I don't like to feel dependent on anyone.

I know that I am guilty of being arrogant. I know that I can be quite snobby about many things. I know that I have problems trusting other people and fear being disappointed. I am certain that this all comes from my need to feel superior, my need to think that I know my needs, my need to maintain power. 

Jesus admonishes "Unless I was you, you have no share with me". Until I am willing to humble myself and admit my powerlessness, admit that I need Christ's saving grace in my life I won't be able to fully have a share in his mercy. So my goal du jour is to try and remind myself of many ways that God has blessed my life. I will strive to not just know, but believe that all I have is by the blessed generosity of God, and that without him I am nothing.