day 2

Day 2 of the discipline of writing something every day. I hope to find this cathartic in the long run. Because God knows I need to do something to exorcise the demons. But today it is a chore. Actually almost everything has been a chore lately. I don't feel like going to work, interacting with people, doing chores or even taking a walk. I know that I should just make myself do these things, and I did yesterday. I went out at 6 last night for no reason. I just walked around the local mall. No zest for shopping, but just needed to make myself leave the house.

David and Maddy return today from the soccer tournament. The final of her travel soccer career. We'll have her school spring schedule then college. Hard to imagine.

I often wonder if this is a normal response to the impending empty nest. I feel a bit like I'm flailing around trying to find some meaning. I've known many women who have been miserable at the graduation of their youngest. I don't want to be that caricature. But, I've spent the last 21 years of my life raising kids, chose a marginal career to allow me to be home with them... now my job is done. It sounds weird, but it's hard to even know who I am apart from their mother. What do I like? What is important to me? What can I impact in the world now? Lord, what will happen when I retire? Hmmm... I guess that gives me something to think about.

what to eat

What does a lactose intolerant diabetic with heart disease, a wheat allergy and 2 missing teeth eat? Yep, that's the question of the day. I've put out an APB on my collar bones, because I know that much of this disgusting situation is a direct result of my extra weight. I often wonder where rock bottom is for my alcoholic nephew... cause it's not in jail. But now I have to ask myself the same thing. When will I be at the place where I'd rather live than eat? What about my life or body chemistry makes me seek solace in food? I could blame my parents, that's always fun, after all they raised 2 overweight people and an anorexic. I suspect it's the same disease in a different manifestation. I could blame my metabolism, but I've lost this weight 4 or 5 times in my life. I know that the only real solution is going to be when I take responsibility for my own health. So what does that look like? What does that feel like? What will I substitute emotionally for food? I guess I can adopt the old AA mantra... one day at a time. So day 1 is I will write about my feelings, food and progress toward health. God help me, if this doesn't work I'm going to gain 50 pounds so I can have that surgery... I think that would be easier.