In love

It's true that I fall in love often. when I was younger I inherently disliked people. I think that I believed on some level that I was always in competition with others. Maybe that's rooted in the fact that I was raised in a family of 4 kids, by parents who probably should not have had children. They weren't evil or cruel parents, they were simply young and self-centered. They were in over their heads and spent most of our childhood putting out fires, rather than cultivating our well-being. Their marriage was a mess all along, so their needs weren't met. As I've discovered as an adult, when I am lacking I am unable to give to my loved ones. That fight for yourself drive has served me well in many ways, and I am thankful for that, but the drawback is that I had a tendency to see others as competitors.

A typical introduction would include my sizing up whether the new person was more intelligent, attractive or skilled than I was. I was quit adept at finding other's flaws, then discounting their personal value. Then I hit bottom.

I found that I had become the most reprehensible of people. I was fat, dependent, ill and weak. I was depressed, broken and angry. I struggled to find a reason for my existence. I had always been led to believe that I was only as valuable as my contribution to the world. I had nothing to contribute. I had no value. Then the switch flipped.

I believe it was God that lightened my heart. But understand that I God was present in my therapist. God was present in my friends. God was present in my husband and kids. The switch flipped and I realized that although there was little I could change about my circumstances I was fully empowered to change the way I experienced and responded to them. I had an overwhelming feeling of being beloved. It passed, but I practiced bringing it back. I prayed, meditated, did positive self-talk. I decided to be oblivious. I quit analyzing others and strove to accept all things at face value - even when I was confident that there was an underlying current. I ignored it and appreciated the positive things in all encounters. I soon began to believe my own rhetoric. I began to see the good in all people. I wasn't blind to flaws, others or my own, but I didn't let them become the defining attributes. I slowly began to fall in love with people.

I love the crazy, stupid things we do. I love the egregious flaws we all carry. I love the courage with which we are willing to fail. I love the hope that lives beyond reason.