long good-byes

How do you want to die? I'm not sure why I wondered this as a kid and young adult, but I remember having conversations with numerous people that included me asking them this. Invariably the answer was almost always "die quickly, painlessly in my sleep". I wanted to be oblivious to the fact that my life was ending. I wanted to ignore the reality of my own mortality. I no longer wish for this. Of course I'd like to die painlessly. I'm too big a coward to want anything less. However, I think I'd like notification of it's approach. Maybe this attitude has changed because I've aged and have no delusions about my own mortality. Maybe it's changed because I fear that I'll die with too much unfinished business. Maybe it's changed because my to-do list is so long and I'd hate to die without completing it. As a matter of fact, I have a pact with a friend that when I die, she'll come in and clean my pig sty of a home before the funeral home even gets here. Perhaps my attitude has changed simply because I want to be able to give her advance notice! Whatever the reason, I know it has changed. I have had the privilege of knowing and loving several people who have died while in the care of hospice. Perhaps those experiences have helped me to see the beauty in a long good-bye. I've watched as they reminded family and friends of the deep love they shared. I've been blessed by shared laughs and memories exchanged for the last time. I treasure those memories near the end, when I was able to be at a bedside and hold a hand, kiss a forehead, say a prayer. Sometimes just sitting quietly next to a bed reading a book, while my friend slept. There is something holy in those moments. I no longer want to protect my loved ones from those moments. Rather, I hope for them that they will have an opportunity to be in such sacred moments. I hope that I have the courage to say and do those things that will allow me to die in peace. I certainly try to be courageous and brave in my graciousness and forgiveness now. I try to proactively keep regrets and grudges out of my life. But daily they seem to come and go and I know that regardless of how hard I try, if I die without warning I will leave with some unfinished business. Perhaps that's my new delusion that, with appropriate warning I can die without regrets...